Where have all the men gone?
“Thank you so much for coming in. I’m sure I will have someone amazing for you soon!”
I say, as another truly beautiful, successful, poised and elegant 30 – something year old woman leaves our matchmaking office in Vancouver, Canada.
I pull her file, writing notes on the impressions she left on me. I write how I admire her strength, her inner and outer beauty, how we discussed her last relationship, and how I told her she definitely does deserve better than her ex. This feeling feels good; to bring others up. I relate to her, as I am also a 30 something single woman with similar feelings and struggles. I exhale, as I realize we truly bonded in this space, and I really want to find her someone special.
Then I walk over to my file cabinets, and add her file to the hundreds of other files I have of women, just like her. Of course all of them unique, but all having the same attributes and desires for long term partnership, commitment, and children. All of them, beautiful, successful, and put together. I think to myself, why do I have hundreds of files of women like this, and barely any men who fit the bill? It’s a question I have asked myself for many years. Where have all the men gone? As a matchmaker, it’s my job to interview men as well as women, and to screen them for potential candidacy of our services.
While most of the men we interview are great, many are not seeking marriage and children right away, if ever. Their timeline is spread out suddenly, and they are in “no rush.” Being able to hear this difference first hand due to my line of work, has been both depressing and eye opening at the same time. I finally had a man walk into the office near the end of 2020 and I knew he was actually ready for marriage and children soon after interviewing him. He was also attractive and successful, just like all the files of woman I had available. This man was so rare in a city like Vancouver, that he literally had hundreds of women to choose from! So why are the scales so skewed?
You see, dating is sociological and the way humans act has a ton to do with outside forces, societal influences, as well as dating economics. What is dating economics? I like to describe this as the current economic dating climate of the city and the general supply and demand of eligible men vs. eligible women in such an area.
Before Covid 19, I was living in New York City for 4 years, and prior to that, LA for 6 years. Both are huge metropolitan cities that have a high cost of living, and a large population of single men and women. New York also had a thriving finance sector and an “east coast” mentality that men on the west coast don’t necessarily have. Offer to split the bill in New York, and you will find your date upset and angry that you don’t appreciate that he spent his entire 12 hour day working in the financial district to take you out for this nice meal! In contrast, parts of the west coast are lacking such economic industries, and therefore, lacking single professionals in general. This doesn’t bode well for the supply and demand of eligible men vs. women in these regions.
In New York I found myself extremely sought after as a woman. There was plenty of good looking and ambitious men all waiting to offer me something above and beyond. Chivalry is not rare there. Extravagant first dates are not out of the question, and even a gift on the first date is not out of the question. These men are trying to stand out from the rest of the good looking, successful and eligible pack of men that the city has to offer! Most of them have always been competitive in their lives in all areas, and that is why they have their high powered careers in one of the most expensive and difficult cities to thrive in, in the entire world. Getting a quality woman to notice them is just another task they need to work hard at! Now I am not saying that the men are perfect here, I am simply illustrating to you how the climate of a city can define the entire dating scene. In New York, I felt absolutely in control of dating. In demand, like a rare, sought after jewel. I feel the same likely occurs in other similar cities such as London, Boston, and many others.
However, in Vancouver for example there is a huge scarcity mindset going on here, and sadly for good reason. Vancouver is a much smaller city, and we are lacking professional job sectors. Just like a mini LA, men here usually don’t have their lives together in their 30’s and even 40’s. How can a man be ready to “settle down” when he is in his late 30’s and living with 2 roommates? He simply can’t be, because he is still trying to establish himself, and he is trying to survive. Vancouver is one of those “special” cities where it is still very expensive to live here, and yet lacks careers in reputable industries to make the cost of living affordable. Therefore, a “good” man here who has his life together is extremely rare and hard to come by. It’s not a dime a dozen like New York City.
This leaves the supply and demand skewed in the men’s favour here, and generally on the west coast. I have hundreds of files of amazing women here for a reason. It’s because they have had to work for themselves and become self reliant. Most of them own their own condos or homes, are doctors, pharmacists, entrepreneurs, and the list goes on. I have never met so many beautiful and successful women in my entire life actually!
With so many options available of women, you have men who feel the same way I felt about myself in New York all of those years!
They think to themselves…..
“Why settle? There are so many great options of women for me here and I am such a rare commodity.”
You then have women doing pretty much whatever it takes to “secure” these rare gems in these competitive dating climates.
It’s like a diamond, it’s only expensive and sought after because it’s rare. If there were tons of diamonds, the price would go down and we wouldn’t find them as special anymore. No one would be buying diamonds anymore.
Just a little dating economics lesson if you find yourself wondering where all the men went.